caring for Yourself:
The secret to change is to build on the new, to look forward to what is to come. Change has always been hard for me. I have experienced a lot of ‘bad’ changes in my life, most of which led to very difficult circumstances. Things like family changes, health issues, relocation, or any unwanted end… they can all be really hard changes. But I found a few coping skills that help change my mindset from the negative to the positive.
“The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates
Empty Nester Syndrome
What is empty nest syndrome? Better Health describes it as this: Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home. This condition is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary carer.
I personally have not experienced this (yet) as my youngest is still a college student and lives part-time with us. However, I did experience a sudden confusion around my roles and responsibilities. I no longer had mountains of laundry to wash. The preparation of meals was different. Certainly chauffeuring responsibilities had died. And while most of these changes were fine with me, the additional time I had on my hands was confusing to me.
As our son headed off to college (and our daughter had already moved out on her own), we decided to take the first step on our big adventure. Even with the excitement, there were some mind shift changed I had to make. We were selling our family home; the home we raised our children in, the home we’d celebrated birthdays and holidays in, the home I’d survived cancer in. I was ‘just a house’ and they were ‘just things,’ yet somehow, it felt like a massive change and a huge letting go. My emotions were torn between utter sadness and utter excitement.
The Secret to Change is Not fighting the Old
Socrates said, “The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” It seemed as if I was constantly fighting the old. I didn’t want to give up our house. We’d just purchased new furniture that I loved. Our memories were all there. It felt as if I was boxing them up and pushing them aside.
For a very long time – maybe a year – while my husband I talked about this move my heart was torn. I wanted to move, to adventure with him, to experience all the things. But my heart was so connected to the house and the things we’d built together. I felt as if I were losing everything we’d worked so hard for.
The Secret to Change is also Building the New
Building the new was the first shift I found was the secret to change. When I shifted my thoughts from what I was ‘losing’ to what I was gaining, everything in me changed. We leased our apartment in a town two hours south of our home, and decided to live their part time while we prepared our house for a sale. For me, it was the excitement of things I loved like organizing, decorating, and decluttering that began to shift my thoughts.
I could imagine the new – not just see the old. “Where would the sofa go?” “Which dishes would we take?” “Should we switch out all the artwork for a more modern aesthetic?” “Ooooh, ooooh, oooh, we could use the gym and go for walks.” “We could dine in new restaurants and visit new shops.” These were the thoughts increasingly replacing the less positive ones. As I began to imagine what the newness of the future would look and be like, the attachments I had began to quickly fade away.
About Memories
The second secret to change was when I realized I’d always have the memories. I remember a movie where the protagonist said, “If you want to remember, you’ll remember.” I can’t remember the movie or any of the actors in it. But I can hear that line so clearly in my mind. As I started thinking about what things we would keep, sell, donate or store, the questions changed for me – and my thinking because crystal clear!
As I walked from room to room I assessed each item. “If the house burned down tonight” would I miss this item? If the answer was a clear no, then it was just an item. “Do I want to pay to store this?” If the answer was a clear no, then I could donate it, sell it, or pass it along. “Is this something we will want to keep long term?” If the answer was a clear yes, like a family heirloom, an original artwork, or our children’s mementos, then we made arrangements to store them.
Other items of importance, but not worth saving, storing, or hauling with us – we took photos of. Our memories live in our hearts and our thoughts. We don’t have to have the ‘thing’ in order to remember. “If we want to remember, we’ll remember.”
About Possessions
The third secret to change was when I rightly examined my possessions. There is a song by Switchfoot we love. One lyric is, “You possess your possessions or they possess you.” I did not want to be possessed by my possession. Rather, I wanted to choose the things I held close. That final shift was really what transformed my thinking and changed my mindset altogether.
I didn’t want to stay in a house that was ‘just a house’ because of our belongings. We saw so many people work their lives and build their homes only to find their children moved away, and all they were left with was an empty house and memories of the past. I didn’t want to forfeit adventure and experience because I was tied to memories of the past. It was a mindset change that ended a feeling of being out-of-control and transformed it into a full on proclamation of let’s-do-this!
The secret to change? Not fighting the old, but building on the new
Socrates was a wise man. When we fight the old…we are basically fighting the future. We are fighting the inevitable. We cannot change the inevitable. But we can embrace change, with a healthy perspective, a freshness of mind, and as an opportunity for growth.
Our story is a unique one. We know that. But if I had to attribute one secret that changed our trajectory altogether, it was when we stopped fighting the old, and rather began building on the new. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is yet to come. Live in the present – and live it with everything you’ve got! Don’t waste time on the negative. Embrace the secret to change and start building on the new.
