Comparison Is the Enemy of Gratitude

Well friend, I thought I’d share some thoughts on comparison, today. I was recently in a live event and someone asked, ‘How can I invite people into my home?” Because this was a home decor event, her question really was deeper than that. The feeling behind it was more, “How can I invite people into my home when….it doesn’t look like this….it’s not as clean as this….it’s not as nice as this…. it’s not as big as this……”

November is the season for giving thanks…being grateful for what we have. In order to really experience Thanksgiving this year – not the feast or the festivities – but the real, true, heart-felt giving of thanks, we first have to leave behind comparison. Comparison is the enemy of gratitude. Let me try to explain…

The Selling of Pipe Dreams

I’m going to borrow a passage written by Ann Voskamp in the book Waymaker.

“Screens sell pipe dreams. Every screen is trying to sell the lie that to you – from Hollywood to Netflix to Instagram – the lie that all you have to do is buy this, work out like this, wear this, style it like this, believe this, pursue this, get a career like this, find someone like this, and you, too, can find the way to a perfect life, just like this. But buy any perfectly filtered and marketing-framed illusion, and you end up painfully disillusioned.

Strange, how you cannot feel content in your heart whenever it feels like someone else is ahead of you. Whenever you measure the seeming distance between where you and where someone else is, discontent fits into your soul. Measuring sticks are self-harming. Comparison is soul-maiming.”

WayMaker, pp 9,10, 11.

Leave Comparison Behind

As we move closer and closer to Thanksgiving I hope you’re keeping your gratitude journal. I also hope that you aren’t just jotting things down, but that you’re sharing your gratitude for others, with others.

Even more than practicing gratitude and writing down the things we’re thankful for, I want to encourage you to leave comparison behind. It’s easy to get caught up looking at beautiful images of other people’s lives – or the lives they want us to see. I’m not saying that you should shut down social media, stop perusing Pinterest, or ignore Instagram. Those avenues can be great sources of inspiration and motivation. What I want you to do is recognize when you start to feel… less than…behind…or discouraged with your life.

Being thankful can be hampered by feelings of comparison. Feeling as if your home isn’t pretty enough, clean enough, finished enough, etc, is comparison. It’s when we let go of comparison that we can fully engage gratitude for what we have. So during the month of November, while you’re writing down all you are thankful for, try to leave comparison behind.

Be grateful for dirty dishes because you have food to eat. Give thanks for mounds of laundry because you have a family who is clothed. See the beauty in what you have, and give thanks for it.

Embrace the Real

Oh how I had known this when I was younger. My husband called it ‘putting on the fake house.’ Before anyone could come for a visit I had to clean every nook and cranny, clean every dish, wipe every smudge. Do you know what happened? We moved into our very first home. We had some family members come to visit and being in the home-building business, they were curious about our house. And then…gasp…they opened the cupboards, and the laundry room door, and the linen closet! OH NIGHTMARE!

It has taken me many years to overcome this. In fact, even in our small 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment, I find myself struggling. A few days past, my husband came in the front door – with our neighbor in tow! I had no warning…no alarm…no time to prepare! What happened? I scurried. I literally scurried to straighten throw pillows, put dishes into the sink, and slide my house slippers under the sofa. As if we lived in a state of perfect – or that our bachelor neighbor cared!

In that moment, and let me assure you, the scurrying took but a mili-second; I was operating at light speed. I recognized what I was doing, and I stopped myself. I reminded myself that I am thankful for our home, our belongings, and our life.

Trying to hide the realness of life…

See, when we embrace the scurrying and the perfectionism, when we put on the fake house, what we’re actually doing is trying to hide real life. We’re somehow hiding that our children make a mess with the play dough, that we leave our house slippers out in plain sight, that we actually might have a dirty dish in the sink. We hide the messes because we haven’t embraced the real. And guess what? This all stems from comparison.

What’s One to Do?

Before you stop doing your laundry and start leaving dirty dished piled in the sink, let’s think through this with intention. If we don’t want to fall into the comparison trap, and we don’t want to give into perfectionism, what are we do to instead?

We give thanks. We recognize when we are battling these enemies of gratitude; the comparison and the perfectionism. We stop ourselves, and we take a slow deep breath. Allow our nerves to calm down, and we realize that we have so much to be thankful for. We recognize our tendencies, and we intentionally overcome them. We tell ourselves, “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful,” and “My home isn’t in a competition. My home is real, and we live real lives here.”

Hosting vs. Hospitality

Myquillyn Smith says there is a difference between entertaining and hospitality. I’m in my fifties and have entertained a number of gatherings. I’m very sad to announce that. Why? Because I’ve been doing it all wrong. That’s not comparison. Let me explain.

Myquillyn puts it kind of like this: Entertaining is all about the host. What they have, how their home appears, the foods they prepared. By the time guests arrive they’re stressed out, burned out, and too tired to even connect. Hospitality, however, is all about the guest. Yes, we still tidy our homes, we set out food or snacks (even if store-bought), and we still prepare. But the focus is on the guest and our intentional connection with them.

Here I am in my early fifties and I just came to this realization. It’s why I have stressed myself out over Thanksgiving dinners, and birthday parties. It’s why I have to clean my entire home before the dishwasher repair man can come in. That, friends, is comparison at it’s finest… or worst, I fear.

Ignore Comparison: Embrace Gratitude

We are just a few short days away from Thanksgiving. I’m sure you’re preparing and planning. I want to leave you with one final thought: Please don’t allow comparison to thwart gratitude. Please don’t fall prey to perfectionism. Leave comparison behind. Embrace the reality of your unique life. Practice hospitality. Love one another. And above all, give thanks.

I’m so glad you’re here. I wish you the best Thanksgiving you’ve ever had.

John & Billie

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