I did a little research when drafting this post. I searched the returns for the keywords “caring for others,” I did a Pinterest search for the phrase, “caring for others,” and I did a random internet search for the phrase, “caring for others.” What I found disturbed me, I must admit. My results were astounding. Not amazing in a good way, but astounding all the same. It appears the world, or at least the online digital world is consumed with the concept of not caring what others think. And while I’ve had these moments, some of which led to life-changing epiphanies, for the most part, caring for others has nothing to do with caring what others think of you. Let me explain.
Random research results
When I did the keyword search for “caring for others,” I found the following results: 480 people searched a similar phrase, and the results rendered “How to stop caring what others think.” 380 people searched the similar phrase, and their results rendered “Quotes about not caring what other people think.”
When I did the same search in Pinterest, “Caring for Others,” This was the search result:
Caring for others has nothing to do with what others think about us.
When we seek to care for others, we must remember it has nothing to do with what others think about us. This is a skewed focus of attention. When looking for ways to care for others, the focus must always be outward. The attention we give when caring for others must be on them, with little or no thought about what it can mean for us, how it will make us look, how this may return to us, or how others will perceive us. When caring for others, the act never seeks attention for the care-giver.
In fact, I’m certain you’ve run across those who volunteer, or serve in one capacity of another, and when they talk about that service, the focus is always back on them. “I did this thing, and this is what they said about me.” Or, “I served this time volunteering, and everyone said how great I did…” The focus isn’t on the ones receiving the care, but rather on the one giving the care.
We must understand when we seek to care for others that the focus remains solely on the recipient, and not on ourselves. When we step outside of ourselves and give our time, our energy, and our love, the ones receiving that care feel seen, they feel heard, and they feel as if they matter.
The invisible sign we all carry
I saw a quote once that quite literally changed the way I live my life, and the result has been amazing to watch. The quote said, “We all carry an invisible sign around our neck that says, “I want to feel important.” While I don’t know if that quote referred to importance in relationship, importance in a career, or importance in other aspects of life, I have found it true, across the board, that people in general want to feel important. Let me give you a couple examples.
The Churchill Downs Experience
We lived in Louisville, Kentucky for most of our married life. If you’ve ever heard of Louisville, Kentucky, you’ve probably associated it with the Kentucky Derby, and that’s where this story begins. John and I were invited to a corporate event at Churchill Downs. We knew a few of the people attending, but we didn’t know anyone serving on staff that evening.
As we walked into the skybox the first person we encountered was the woman who was tending the drink station. As we ordered our beverages, we simply engaged in general conversation with her. “Hi, how are you doing this evening?” She replied with the standard, “I’m good, how are you?” We said we were happy to be there and were looking forward to the evening. Then I simply mentioned, “Are you doing alright this evening, you seem a little harried.” At once, she looked up at me and said, “Thank you for noticing. I was called in tonight to pick up an extra shift, my baby sitter canceled and I had to rush to get here on time and to be honest, I’m a bit out of sorts.” John and I simply said, “Well, don’t feel rushed on our account. We have all night, and we’re not in a hurry.”
The immediate change in her persona was tangible. She began to smile, she started joking around with us, we simply stood there and had human conversation with her. A few hours later, as people were leaving, she spotted us from across the room and ran over to us, “Wait!!! I have something for you.” She went back to the bar and picked up two branded mint julep cups and simply said, “thanks for talking to me.” Just a simple five minute conversation had the power to change her evening.
The doctor’s office experience
The last time I went to the doctor I was experiencing Covid-like symptoms. As we waited for the test results, the nurse continued to take my medical history and my vitals. I noticed she was having trouble concentrating and kept asking me the same questions again and again. It didn’t seem as if she weren’t a contentious person, but rather she had something on her mind. So, I simply asked, “How are you doing today? Have you guys been busy?” She replied, “No, not too busy so far.” After a moment or two of more questions, again I asked, “What time does your shift end today?”
That was when she said, “Oh, I’ve been working twelve days on and my father in law was admitted to the hospital last night.” She wasn’t a distracted or impersonal person, she was simply having a life situation. All she needed was to get it out of her head, and once she did, it was as if the fog cleared and she went from being unfocused to being one of the best nurses I’ve ever experienced. She simply needed to be seen for a moment.
While these are just two examples, we have used this method of seeing people at the rental car office, the coffee shop, hotels, airlines, grocery stores, and so many other places. People want and need to be seen; we all need to feel like we matter.
Care for others by showing compassion
Sometimes situations call for us to take action, and I’ll get to that in a moment. Other situations call for us to be present for a moment in someone else’s life. Simply show them compassion, a hug if it’s appropriate, a warm smile, or a listening ear.
In fact, most of the time, most people really just need someone to listen. They don’t need advice, they don’t need correction, they don’t need to know what you would do or how you would fix their problem. They just need you to listen with compassion.
As we listen, it’s always kind to share encouragement. Now, I’m not saying we carelessly tell them, “I’m sure everything will work out fine.” The truth is, sometimes everything doesn’t work out. But encouraging them with kindness and compassion, letting them know you will be there for them, will listen when they need an ear, and will help them if possible will go a long way in your mission of caring for others.
Care for others by offering support
While there are times we can’t do anything more than listen and encourage, sometimes we have the opportunity to offer tangible support. We can take a meal, offer to run errands, send cards, or simply share a visit.
Take a meal
Taking a meal is one of the simplest ways we can offer support, and when planned, doesn’t cause you any more work. When making a meal for your family, simply double the portion and deliver it to someone who needs a little love. Or maybe you’ve made a casserole, simply make two and freeze one for later. You can always deliver a frozen meal for the recipient to thaw and reheat when they need it most.
Run an errand
Offering to run errands is a helpful task, as well. Calling or texting a simple, “Hey I’m running to the grocery, can I pick anything up for you while I’m there?” I can’t tell you how many times this has benefited a friend or a neighbor. A new mom may be down to her last diaper, an elderly neighbor may be out of milk, or may ask you to pick up a prescription for them. You never know how you can help, until you ask. Simply ask when you go, and the recipient won’t feel like they’re imposing on your time.
Send a note
Sending cards is also an amazing way to connect with others. In fact, studies have shown that receiving a hand-written card in the mail has the same emotional response as receiving a gift. Isn’t that amazing? The simple act of writing a note to someone causes them to feel as if they’ve received a gift. Maybe a kind word, a written note, a kind outreach is a gift to them. A word in due season is always a welcome thing.
If you’d like to read about how I created a simple care basket, you can find that article here.
Care for others by offering kindness
I want to insert a gentle reminder here. I’m not seeking to reprimand anyone. I realize that often when we are caring for others, it can be tempting to offer our opinions or our thoughts about a situation. And while I realize it probably doesn’t need to be said, I want to say it here anyway: When offering kindness and support to others, it is appropriate to keep your personal opinions to yourself unless you are asked for them. Remember that people don’t need your permission to make a decision or a choice. They do not need your approval or disapproval. They simply need your kindness.
There have been moments of excitement in our lives when I shared it with the wrong people and got discouraging words in return. After training and being trained for a specific task by qualified people, someone said to us, “You can’t do that thing….you’re not qualified.” Or when moving from one location to another hearing, “Well, it won’t make you happy.” And then one time, after running a 5 miler, I was asked, “Did you win?” I replied that I hadn’t, and then heard, “Then why did you bother to run?”
Your words have the power to encourage or discourage. Use your words wisely. Offer kindness. Lend support when you can.
Practical ways to offer kindness
I think, like offering support, showing kindness can be tangible as well. While taking a meal, running and errand, and sending a note offers support, showing tangible kindness is also always appreciated.
You can offer to do household chores like washing dishes, helping with laundry, mowing the lawn or simply being present. The simplest act of kindness it to show up and be present. Be available and be there for people.
The art of caring for others
Remember that caring for others has nothing to do with caring what others think about you. You can reach out in love and support and offer kindness without needing it to reflect on you personally. Simply love people and make sure they feel seen – even if it’s just for a moment. Offer tangible gifts of your time and your compassion by running errands, taking a meal, offering to help with chores, or sending a card. And never underestimate the power of your presence.
XO, everyone!
Billie
