An Open Letter to Myself: Dear Self,

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This is an open letter to myself, regarding an important life lesson. It will be an intimate discussion about life and love; love of one’s own self. This letter may appeal to some out of curiosity; it may appeal to others because it may also resonate with them, as well. Either way, here it is. I hope you’ll unfold its pages with care, and that you will leave encouraged. Dear Self…

This letter comes on the cusp of a life-changing a-ha moment. I have these quite frequently, and each time they happen, I learn something new, something that refreshes my soul, something that propels me forward to new heights within the bounds I’ve created. Dear Self…

I have a characteristic trait that believes every negative word said to me, or about me, or concerning me. I could give you example after example of things spoken to me or about me, publicly or in private, that ripped my heart to shreds. Some of these words are decades old. Let me say that again in a different way: There were things spoken about me when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty three, twenty five, thirty two years old that I continue(d) to carry deep inside. Still believing the lies, still trying to overcome and prove myself not-guilty of these things.

These words gave no light. They gave no life. These words contained no hope, and they were not meant to encourage. They were often said flippantly, in anger, or simply out of jealousy. Some words were spoken out of fear, but really they were all about control.

And I have carried perfectionism deeply rooted in my heart for what feels like an eternity. When I was in my late twenties, I started running. I ran a five miler and while I came in quite possibly dead last, I was so proud of myself for trying, for running when I wanted to quit, for showing up at the crack of dawn when others stayed in bed, and for raising money for a worthy cause. Someone asked me later, “Well, did you win?” I laughed and said, “No.” Their reply was, “They why even bother?”

Words like that stick with me. They are like a barb in my skin, or rather my heart. And try as I may to shake them, they continually reappear, whispered again and again in my ears.

Because that is what negative words do. They injury, they maim, they destroy hope, they obliterate trust, and they weaken even the strongest people.

Then one day I was out for my morning walk. As I neared home, I heard a thought run through my mind, and it echoed all of the negative things I’d heard said about me, and to me. Things like, ‘You’re so lazy you stink,” and “You only walked 2.5 miles, you should have pushed for three,” and “No wonder you’re not seeing more progress, you’re not trying hard enough.” And in that moment, I realized I was guilty of doing to myself the same thing I had allowed others to do for so long.

There I was, half a mile from home, and it was all I could do not to collapse on the curb and weep. Weep! Not only had I carried these burdens long enough, but I had also inflicted the same injuries on myself. But as I literally gasped for air, trying to keep the tears at bay, I laid those burdens down. Right there on the sidewalk… I could feel all the things spoken about me fall away like anchors in the deep. Those words no longer mattered. They carried no weight. Dear Self…

I got back home and told John what I’d experienced. Later that evening at dinner, he asked me, “Tell me one thing you’ve succeeded at.” He wasn’t accusing me of not being successful, he was probing my heart. And sadly, as I sat there, I could not come up with one single answer. Over the course of my entire life – 53 years – I could not come up with a single thing I felt successful at. Then, he began to rattle them off one by one, as if they were a list of accomplishments everyone else knew…

As he said them to me, I thought, “Hey! I did do that!,” of “Yeah!!! You’re right, I actually accomplished that, too!” Over and over the conversation went. All of these things I had done successfully, but had never allowed myself to feel the success or the accomplishment. I had never seen them as good enough: I got a Bachelor’s degree but should have gotten in it something else, something more worthwhile. I’m an excellent housekeeper, but I missed mopping the floors that day. I achieved merit in a technical field, but always felt like I didn’t know anything about it. Dear Self…

When John and I were at the beach a few weeks ago, I sat near the incoming tide, and felt completely free. It was a strange sensation. I didn’t sit there feeling the need to accomplish something – because accomplishing something is what warrants love, of course… My mind wasn’t on the things I needed to do for the blog, or for partnerships, or for my book…. I simply sat there and basked in my freedom.

I sat there feeling completely overwhelmed by freedom. And this is what I posted to social media:

As the days have worn on, occasionally John will ask me, “What did you succeed at today?” He is spurring me on to see my own strengths and allow myself to succeed. My answers vary. Some days I succeed at writing posts. Other days I succeed at admin tasks. Still, other days I succeed at rest. That is the biggest one, yet. I never allowed myself to rest. I didn’t feel worthy of it. I felt weak and worthless when I indulged in rest. So I pushed too hard, and I never allowed myself to succeed.

So today, I want to encourage you to seek out and discover your successes. Maybe, like me, you’ve not allowed yourself to see them, or feel them, or celebrate them. Like me, maybe negative words have impacted you your whole life, and it’s time to let them fall away. See your own strengths, see your own accomplishments, and let the negative things go! Experience more, friend.

So here is my open letter, to you! Here is what I would say to you, my friend:

Dear One,

You are capable of doing amazing things. Do not allow the negative words of others to impact you. You do not have to own them, you do not have to prove them wrong, you do not have to agree with them.

Enjoy your successes today! List them out one-by-one. See them. Feel them. Embrace them. And as you learn this new way of living, you will begin to feel lighter. You will no longer weigh yourself down with perfectionism and guilt. Because you will see yourself in a new light: a successful, happy, joyful light.

xo, Billie